Unhinged
by Lyon.The.Demon
Summary: There's a dangerous secret that Ryuuken Ishida has kept since it happened, but now the past has returned to collect the debt owed, leaving Uryuu standing at the forefront of a dangerous psychological war. Broken and unhinged, Uryuu will struggle through his forced amnesia in hopes of remembering the only thing that could keep him and everyone he knows alive. But at what cost?
1. Waking into the Nightmare

_My name... I think I forgot the last thing that made me... me. It's been so long, now. I remember being terrified I would meet my death here. I also remember agonizing longing for that very death to come. Now, I just know I'm tired._

 _It's so dark. But it has to be, doesn't it? The dark is where they live... Where they feed...  
_

 _I feel them. Even now, I feel them crawling on my flesh, burrowing into festering and open wounds, clicking and scuttling and hissing and buzzing, the crawling and tickling and scratching and biting... Are they part of me?_

 _... No. The pain is too real._

 _The pain is always too real._

 _The sound of metal scraping stone. The sound of a scream I can no longer produce._ He _hates screams. There used to be a rule... a rule about screaming._

 _..._

 _... It's no use. It's gone with everything else when it starts again._

 _I'm crying now. It doesn't matter how much of a fight I put up anymore, the pain comes anyway. I'm too weak to keep my ribs where they are. Too weak to fight the wax stitches. Too weak to staunch the blood. Too weak to stay awake._

 _I hear them squeaking at me. Asking permission for their feast. I'm awake again, but I don't remember why. What do I remember?_

 _Darkness. I remember darkness. Something lives in that darkness... something evil. It frightens me to my core and I'm shaking again. Whatever I'm trying to remember, I don't want to remember. Everything is gone._

 _... Who am I?_

 _Metal scrapes the stone again, and I freeze. Even the scuttling stops for a second, and we all hold our breath for what comes next.I think my friends take pity on me when it happens._

 _I try to remember the names I gave them as the burning envelops me once more, but it's just no use. Everything is gone._

 _... Why am I here?_

 _Then I feel the pinch and darkness spins and I know I'm in over my head again. The darkness is where they live._

 _I don't want to go back there, but I'm too weak to fight it. With slimy, aggressive hands, I'm pulled back into that swirling vortex of agony and terror. At some point, I feel the usual warm liquid beneath me. And for a split second, the searing pain sparks a fleeting memory; a name. Someone calling out my name. A desperate voice screaming my name over and over again like a chant, or a prayer._

 _... My name..._

 _..._

 _... But it's gone. Everything is gone._

 _... I'm gone._

 _Was I ever really_

* * *

 _here?_

 _._

 _._

 _._

 _Metal slides across stone once more, but instead of blinding nothingness, suddenly there is everything. A light so hot it burns my eyes from behind my eyelids and I don't know what to do with it. I want to cry again, but no tears will come. I want to scream my frustration but the words are lost in chords that no longer function correctly. I want to move, but my friends are ever vigilant, slicing across my flesh in an attempt to protect what is theirs from this outside force._

 _I hear garbled sounds, and then rough flesh is scraping against my own, and I can feel each and every void created as my friends leave me. I weep on the inside, knowing this is the start of a new game. I can't remember the old game. But I think I remember there was one. Or many._

 _I must be very still. I must be very quiet. Or I won't know how to play._

 _Hands are on me again, this time at my shoulders. Out of instinctual reaction, I bite my scabbed lips, and feel the gush of warmth down my gums and chin. Pain... so much pain..._

 _The sound of metal slams into the floor next to me and I jump. I'm breathing too quickly. Something bad is happening._

 _There's more babbling noises, but somewhere in the unfamiliar voice, there is a word that catches my attention. A familiar, yet foreign word that makes my eyelids twitch. The searing light won't allow my eyes to more than crack open, but the swirling colors and shapes that take form despite the ever constant beam of chilling radiance seem somehow familiar as well._

 _Do I... remember something?_

 _... A face. That's what a face looks like. This is a person. ... Does that mean I... know this person?_

 _That word is said again, and I feel my stomach violently churn like it wants to loose its contents all over us both. What's wrong with me?!_

 _Now the hands are violating me, touching inflamed, irritated and infected gaps of skin, poking and prodding at unbearably sensitive and tender areas, before I learn how to fly._

 _The sensation is as new and frightening as the extra pain. My knees tremble and as soon as I am as high as I can go, I begin to fall again, but something is holding me. My shoulder is at a white-hot angle, and my hips grind together, sanding down the bone grain by grain._

 _But I'm moving._

 _A new game?_

 _That blinding light now bathes me, and though my eyes won't stop squinting, things become a little clearer as time goes on. There is stone as far as any eye could see. Darkness and windows and halls and doors and-_

 _There's that word again._

 ** _Why can't I remember what it means?!_**

 _The face is really close to mine, and eyes are what I find my sight drawn to the most. Intense, staring, human eyes._

 _This is real._

 _I think._

 _I have the strangest urge to reach out and touch the face, but my arm only meets me halfway in the gesture. My fingers slip through air without connecting to anything. Am I just imagining things again, or am I just too weak to move? I try the motion a second time, hoping the first was just a fluke, when millions of explosions rock their way out of my head and into my body._

 _I start flying._

 _Then I hear it. Even in the light, I can hear the darkness encroaching. I can hear_ him _. Every hair on my body stands on edge and I just KNOW I've done something terrible. Something that will never be forgiven._

 _I'm shaking as I realize I'm no longer flying. I feel familiar cold through my lower half, numbing a tiny portion of the burning in my hips and legs. What vision I have now spins, the light growing brighter and dimmer with each pass, tinting the world pretty shades of colors I never knew the names to._

 _It took no moment of clarity; just a sharp whisper of that same, familiar word rasped against the inner confines of my ear, and suddenly I was washed in the past._

 _I feel the terror grip at my heart and squeeze, choking the life from me. What I've witnessed... what I've experienced... what's yet to come..._

 _I forgot. I didn't want to remember._

* * *

 **The taste of blood is sickening.** _  
_

 _Oh god, I can't do this anymore..._

 _"Just let me die!"_

 _I want to die too..._

"Stop it!"

 ** _"... Just another casualty of war..."_**

 _Why won't you let me die?_

 _ **"They've all abandoned you..."**_

 _I'm alone..._

 ** _"Get upstairs! NOW!"_**

Evil is here...

 _"YOU did this to him!"_

 _"Come back to me..."_

"... just a nightmare..."

 ** _"You and your family will suffer as I have suffered."_**

 _... Haven't I suffered enough?_

 _"... back to me..."_

 _What am I suffering for...?_

 _"... come back..."_

 ** _"... casualty of war..."_**

 ** _" ... just another casualty... "_**

 _What did I do to deserve this...?_

 _"... -uu..."_

 _Why is this happening to me...?!_

 _" ...-yuu..."_

 ** _"Suffer. As I have suffered."_**

 **"Uryuu!"**


	2. Come Back

A mostly cannon AU story.

I do not own Bleach, or its characters.

Inspired in part by the game series Amnesia.

... I do not own Amnesia, either.

Warnings: Graphic mention and depictions of torture, violence, abuse, blood, gore, and more.

There is no yaoi.

Just two friends, joined by Darkness, wondering if they will survive the ordeal lain before them...

* * *

Many Thanks to Axelkin.

* * *

 _Colors swirled as I gasped for breath, choking and sputtering and clawing at my chest. I was on fire again. What broken and jagged nails I had left on my fingers tore at my burning flesh, trying to shred the flames apart as hands began violating my body once more. I flailed, trying desperately to force my unwilling flesh into cooperation, in spite of my trembling._

 _Then, amidst all the churning and swaying colors, all the morphing and frightening shapes, deep chocolate eyes swept into my vision, obstructing everything else._

 _Those eyes..._

 _Something about those eyes... Did I remember... something?_

 _They stared at me with their own hue of desperation, their own trauma barely concealed behind non-existent lashes, but despite the horror I could see within, I couldn't look away from them. The anguish and regret were too powerful for those brown chambers to lock away, and I wanted to cry._

 _For him._

 _For me._

 _I knew we had shared a lot. It was a lot to forget._

 _A lot to remember._

"Uryuu, please, focus!"

 _He was speaking to me, the voice both familiar and unfamiliar through the fear seeping through his teeth. It came from everywhere; from his eyes, to the rapid swing of his head, the jittery bouncing movements and the harsh, whispered words._

 _I can't remember ever seeing him so panicked._

 _... I remember seeing him before?_

 _I must. I know him._

 _I think._

 _Then it was like watching dusty, rusted gears suddenly clanking into life, clouds of dust filling the air._

 _Something was coming._

 _... Some_ one _was coming._

 _Before my unresponsive body even registered my pleas to move, I jolted from the unexpected torrent of fresh, burning pain battering at my insides. The room tilted as a silent gasp escaped bloody and swollen lips, the terrifying sensation of falling upward and having some of my loose ribs playing the drums against my lungs causing the edges of my vision to darken._

 _My eyes squeezed shut against the nails in my head, scraping at my brain each time my head flopped lifelessly around._

 _Something told me I had forgotten for a reason._

 _That I didn't want to remember._

 _... That I couldn't handle remembering._

 _I opened my eyes anyway._

 _Details raced by in reverse, each one gone as soon as it was registered: stone, crates, door, room..._

 _The sudden pop of the lights above us blowing out brought a quiet gasp from my magic carpet, but I was beyond listening after that._

 _So Dark..._

 _Alarm bells screeched in my already pounding head as my eyes adjusted quickly, seeking out on their own the one thing they knew would be there. As soon as I found the silhouette, he found me, and in a blink had closed the distance of an entire room to loom over me, and for the first time in a while, my body reacted without my input._

 _Suddenly I was struggling, twisting and pulling my arms further out of socket as they hung by chains from the ceiling._

 _My heart pounded in my chest, each throb physically moving all of me and stealing my breath._

 _But... I was out!_

 _... Wasn't I?_

 _... I'll never escape..._

 _I accept the knife silently, knowing words only make what he does to me worse. The designs don't hurt so much anymore. It's when the excess skin comes away from those designs that my body trembles with the want to move, and I have to force myself still, lest this continue._  
 _When I can take no more, he knows, and pushes me further. My head heats and throbs as I hold my breath, lights exploding behind my eyelids as salt is applied in every crevice of his work and bandaged there._

 _I'm going to be sick._

 _And then I am._

 _Vomit and salt and blood mix at his feet and I know i've made him angry again because he pauses. Before I can even fear his reaction, my stomach implodes on itself and I'm heaving again. It tears at my throat, scratching out the insides of my nose as it burns my eyes and I'm crying again, unable to stop my retching and heaving as the next several blows land._

 _I want to beg him to stop. I want to go home, I want to sleep... even death is preferable to this. I'd beg for certain punishments over pain like this, even._

 _But I can't. Even if I want to._

 ** _Don't Make A Sound._**

".. to me..."

 _That voice..._

 _It was still too dark, too painfully dark to see anything but his outline, but I knew who that voice belonged to._

 _And I knew the only time its owner was allowed to speak._

 _Your fault._

 _Your Fault._

 _All of it._

 _YoUr FaUlT._

 _YOUr faULT._

 _YOUR FAULT._

 _How could you?_

 _your FAULT._

 _YOUR fault._

 _MOnsTEr._

 _YouR FaulT._

 _Failure._

 _DISGRACE._

 _YOUR FAULT._

 _YOU did IT._

 _YOUR Fault._

 _YOur FAUlT._

 _And you call yourself a Quincy?_

 _Y_  
 _O_  
 _U_  
 _R_

 _F_  
 _A_  
 _U_  
 _L_  
 _T_

 _Your fault your fault your fault your fault your fault your fault your fault your fault your fault your fault Your Fault Your Fault Your FaulT YouR FaulT YOUr FaULt YoUR FAulT YOUR FauLT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULT  
_

"... please..."

 **YOUR FAULT.**

 _I shut my eyes tightly to the unwanted memories, flinching when two rough, unrelenting objects closed around my skull. I feel the grip tightening and I wait anxiously to submerge, my body going rigid as I fight and fail to keep my breath part of me._

"Uryuu..."

 _The hissed word melded with rushing water as it enveloped me, closing around every pore and suffocating me. Chemicals burned the inside of my nose and around my eyes, and I wondered vaguely if I would finally die._

 _Despite knowing it could blind me forever, my eyes opened underneath the burning liquid._

 _... My friend._

 _Through the water I could barely make out a vibrating shape with colors that felt familiar and almost safe, but it was so dark..._

"Come back to me."

 _I was breathing again. I don't remember how. My face is still wet, but my head is dry. Then large arms are around me, crushing my hanging ribs, lighting my chest on fire and twisting my spine in odd angles._

"It's okay, Uryuu. It's just me..."

 _... I remember._

 _I would have nightmares._

 _Ichigo... he was always right there._

 _Shaking, drenched in sweat, aching all over, my eyes focused on his intense brown gaze. It calmed me in a shamefully selfish way. I know he had seen and been through everything as well._

 _What have I done?_

 _My head is in his hands, held still by a gentle but firm grip. It's... familiar. Comforting._

 _Safe._

 _Come back to me. The woefully soft words he says to me every time this happens. The words that somehow seem to cut through the darkness shrouding my everything._  
 _The words I can trust._

 _How will he ever trust me again?_

 _But it's those words that help me the most._

 _I don't remember where I am._

 _I hardly know who I am._

 _But I know who I'm with._

 _And I remember what's chasing us._

"Come back."


	3. Memories of a Quincy

_As I stared, I started to fully recognize the things around me. It was a dark room, with the only light source streaming through a barely cracked door._

 _What lay beyond that door...?_

 _Though it was hard to see, there were glints of metal and the dull color of wood scattered around our room, large, square things stacked sometimes as high as the ceiling; some open, some closed. Smaller items lay scattered around the room, some in puddles of dark liquid, staining what appeared to previously be white a sickening red._

 _Oh god._

 _I quickly turn my eyes away, and immediately they fall upon Ichigo, crouched in front of me, a wild look in his eyes as he stared intensely at me._

 _What did he..._

 _Oh._

 _Right._

 _But what do I say?_

 _... I don't know._

 _My throat stings and itches and crawls anyway, so it doesn't matter. I nod my head once, to let him know I heard him, but the sound that comes from the top of my spine echoes in the deathly still room like the crack of a whip._

 _Now I'm dizzy._

 _I hear another whisper from Ichigo as the wild look changes to determination._

 _Then he's in my face, swirling along with everything else._

"I'm sorry, just hold out a little longer for me..."

 _There are no words for the agony I feel as my stomach and back explode, and the dark room lights with thousands of fireflies._

 _Fireflies..._

 _Dancing all around me._

* * *

 _I reach out my hand and one lands on my finger, its wings flickering madly as it glows off and on before taking flight once more. I can hear the soft cadence of chirping barely over the quiet babbling of water brushing against the stone and mud._

 _I feel... lost._

"Look out!"

 _The cry startles me, and I whip around to see where it came from when something slams into my head and suddenly I'm lying on a bed of grass. There's a strange voice over me, but when the world finally rights itself there is only Ichigo struggling silently beside me, flailing at his neck as his face turns purple._

 _I'm afraid._

 _My vision twists and darkens, and all I can think is I don't want to remember._

 _I don't want to remember._

 _Ichigo stops moving and I'm scrambling to my feet but something takes hold of my right arm in a vice grip._

 _I don't want to remember._

 _I'm shouting and twisting as something snaps from my wrist._

 _I don't want to remember._

 _I open my eyes._

 _When did I close them?_

 _The room is light now._

 _But it's getting darker._

 _Things are moving by too fast for me to make sense of, and a constant rough panting marks every bouncing wave of white-hot pain that radiates from my spine and hips._

 _Actually, from everywhere in my body._

 _It hurts._

 _It hurts._

 _It hurts._

 _Now it's dark again._

 _Where are we going?_

 _Where are we?_

 **BANG.**

 _My head spins as I jolt, the room going dangerously black as glass shatters and scatters around us. Wood splinters with every boom that sends tremors through my body, and Ichigo hisses as my stomach somersaults into my throat and we're moving again, much faster this time. Every bounce expands the fire building in my organs and I feel like I'm about to explode._

 _It hurts._

 _How Ichigo knows where he's going, I have no idea, but suddenly there's light again. I look up and I can kind of make out Ichigo's face past all the blurs of grey and yellow._

 _He looks... terrified._

 _Then I hear it._

 _Footsteps behind us._

 _Closing in quickly._

 _My throat closes and I can't breathe._

 _He's coming._

 _How many times will he come for me? Desperation and frustration fill my eyes again and I want to cry out, to release some of this overwhelming emotion, but I can't._

 _That's against the rules of the game._

 _So I just stand there, trembling uncontrollably as I listen to the slow, steady footsteps close the distance between us. I twist my head, trying to make anything out past the black velvet that shrouds my sight, but I know it's useless anyway._

 _I can't see him._

 _But he can see me._

 _I bite my lips as the first line is drawn, forcing down the gasp of sudden pain._

 _I can do this._

 _It feels like fire in my veins, bubbling and dissolving my wrist as it draws itself downward._

 ** _Don't make a sound._**

 _I have to play it right._

 _It hurts._

 _I can't..._

 _I can smell my skin burning and I jerk away from the pain, blood slipping down my chin as rough hands tighten on my throbbing shoulder and pull me back toward the sizzling. My stomach twists into a painful knot as the fire burns hotter, pushing through to melt my bones, and I hear the whimper escape my lips before I can fight it off._

 _I freeze._

 _He pauses too and now I'm sweating, begging-_

 _Pleading-_

 _Please don't!_

 _I didn't do it!_

 _Don't do it!_

 _I can hear the chains clanking and I'm yanked forward onto unsteady toes, my burning wrist and shoulders crying out with me._

 _I'm screaming._

 _Crying._

 _Begging._

 _Because I know what comes next. I don't even know what I'm saying, but I'm shouting between every sob and gasp and then the footsteps are leaving and I'm tearing my throat out but he won't listen._

 _I'm sorry!_

 _I'm sorry..._

 _...It hurts..._

 _Rough callouses are covering my aching, pulsing lips, muffling my voice but I can't stop._

 _Please, no!_

 _Your Fault._

 _It hurts..._

 _..._

 _The numb has never been so inviting._

 _I'm gone._

* * *

 _I'm floating._

 _It's quiet._

"I'll find a way to get us out of this."

 _I'm startled by the disembodied voice. Where is it coming from?_

 _I can hear chains again, but this time, I'm not moving. My body aches and my heart pounds in my chest._

"Do your worst."

 _I'm afraid._

 _I open my eyes._

 ** _"I planned on it."_**

 _I don't want to remember._

 _Ichigo stands on his toes, arms raised high, chained by his wrists to the ceiling. His head turns, watching something with narrow eyes._

 _I don't want to remember._

 _Slow, red lines appear down Ichigo's chest and his face scrunches up. He spits on the floor in front of him as blood trickles down his torso._

 _I don't want to remember._

* * *

 _... It's so bright._

 _My eyes recoil at the blinding sigh before them, my bones cracking and grinding with every bounce. After a few moments of nothingness, the brightness finally becomes a color, along with a feel._

 _Blue and scratchy._

 _Everywhere._

 _Past the rustling and friction in my ears, voices drift on the wind in patterns of unrecognizable sounds and syllables. The closest voice is a quiet, steady hum that never wavers._

 _I think... I know that voice._

 _I start to lift my head, but the bouncing makes the task too difficult. My eyes drift lazily around, but all that meets them is that same, woven blue. Then I can hear Ichigo speaking softly, but he's further away._

 _Why is he so far away?_

 _There's another voice now, frustratingly familiar like everything else, and my lips curl just slightly._

 _What's happening to me?_

 _I don't like this new game._

 _I just want to go home._

 _... Wherever home is._

 _I'm so tired._

 _The next time my eyes open, a piercing orange glow has taken over the blue and slices through my brain. Even more voices surround me, indistinct but pounding in my ears. There's not much I can make out past the glow around me, but somehow the voices, loud and angry, still comfort me._

 _I'm so tired._

 _Finally, without warning, the orange light becomes a dimmer, yellowish light above me that doesn't hurt my eyes as much. For a long while I stare at this light, facinated beyond words for no reason at all. I feel like I'm floating on air, my entire body numb to whatever new pain it's supposed to feel. White surrounds the yellow and for a moment, I let go. Darkness twitches at the edges of my vision, but then I hear rustling beside me and I snap my head to the side without thinking._

 _I wince immediately, adrenaline surging through my body as I tremble, but no pain follows. Blinking my eyes open, breathing heavily, unsure what to think, I see Ichigo climbing up the side of the bed I'm laying in. The room around us is lit only by the light above us, the only door to the room closed, and pure blackness outside the only window. There's bookshelves and a desk and things that make my head spin._

 _This room... I know this room._

 _The bed sinks as Ichigo sits down on the side and my body rolls lifelessly toward the dip._

 _But there was no pain._

 _Tenderly I stretch, testing my muscles and flesh and bones, waiting for the return of the onslaught, but_

 _There was no Pain._

 _Suddenly Ichigo's face was the only thing I could see, brown eyes pinched at the edges and brows furrowed in worry. Was something wrong? I watch the panic slowly recede, replaced by such a strong sorrow that I want to cry the tears he would never release. My throat closes up and I hear myself choke over a sob._

 _Oh._

 _I'm already crying._

 _I don't understand what's happening._

"It's okay, Uryuu."

 _... It is?_

 _... What is?_

"Hey. Look at me."

 _His voice was barely a whisper, but my gaze returned to his without my realizing it had ever left, only to see he had pulled back a little and had a closed hand stretched out toward me, offering me something. It takes my brain a couple minutes to finally send the message to my arm to move, but he waits for me._

 _He's being patient._

 _I think this is strange behavior._

 _Maybe._

 _There's still no pain when I move, though I move delicately anyway. When my hand is finally under his, I feel the caress of smooth metal slip past my fingers as it pools in the palm of my hand. I stare at this strange piece, admiring its sleek design and glinting silver even as I feel some kind of strong attachment to it._

 _Have I seen this before...?_

"Dad found that while we were looking for you. I thought it might make you feel a little better."

 _... Found it?_

 _I lost this?_

 _... I own this?_

 _..._

 _Where did I go?_

 _I'm so confused..._

 _Memories... disjointed, out of order, out of place memories, flitting by one right after the other steal the room away from me, but move too fast to make any sense of._

 _My head is in my hands now, the metal thing long dropped. Ichigo is holding me now, but my sobs rock us both as I try to catch my breath and still my shaking body._

 _I remember why I don't want to remember._

 _... It hurts..._


	4. The First Casualty

_The Pride of the Quincies..._

 **Just another casualty of war.**

 **You have half the talent.**

I am... Uryuu Ishida.

 ** _Another casualty._**

A Quincy.

 _Give up._

Just hold on!

 _Just give into the pain._

 ** _Suffer, as I have suffered._**

And I'm paying the price for the mistakes of a father that wasn't even there.

 _... It hurts._

 _People and places blur together before my eyes, and even though I know I'm somewhere soft and warm, with each memory comes vivid images that leave me wondering where I actually am. Each distorted vision flits by one right after the other, and I struggle desperately to put them back together, to grasp what's going on, but..._

 _I don't want to remember._

 _It hurts._

 _... But I'm a Quincy..._

 ** _"The Quincies have a bad habit of using whatever means they so choose to achieve their goals. Your father was one of the worst."_**

 _"Please, no!"_

 _"Why are you doing this to us?"_

 _My head is pounding and spinning and I'm sweating and shaking but I can't let go of the memory. It feels... important. And foreboding. Even as the thought crosses my mind, more voices fill the silence, and the scene changes before I can hold on tighter._

I must focus.

 _"You owe him that explanation, and then some. And if you don't tell him? ... I will."_

 _Ichigo... that was Ichigo's voice. He was arguing with someone, but... I can't make out who he's arguing with. It's dark, but the voices are so loud._

 _Or maybe they're just whispering._

 _Then the darkness gives way to a pure black void and I can see nothing. There's fire in my shoulders and agony has stripped me past my last nerve everywhere else in my body._

 _I don't want to remember._

 _Glass shatters and scatters across stone floor and my breath hitches. A new game...? I don't even have time to swallow back my fear when a flood of warmth strikes the ground next to my feet. Even in the darkness, I can feel the reishi radiating toward me, breathing with a life of its own._

I am a Quincy.

 _Ichigo calls out for his father as two pairs of footsteps echo in our prison instead of the usual one. My shackles are released and I've never felt so free._

But I must focus.

Where am I?

I squint my eyes open, staring through the veil of tears for a few moments as I try to catch my breath, avoiding eye contact with Ichigo. From one side to the other, my eyes sweep the familiar room again, and a strange realization washes over me.

 _I think... this is my room._

 _I feel like I know it intimately but... it's not... my room._

 _Is this... my room?_

The troubling question still calms me more than the flashes of memories, and as my breathing finally evens out, Ichigo pulls back. One of his hands stays resting on my shoulder though, and I try not to outwardly show how relieved I am.

I'm too selfish to shrug him off.

"Any better?"

... I don't know. I open my mouth to respond, not even knowing what I would say yet, but the only sound that escapes is a pitiful, cracking squeak. Mortified, I clamp my lips shut, biting down where an old, deep scab should have been, but finding nothing but soft, pliant flesh that my teeth sunk straight into. I wince and run my tongue over the wound, all thought processes gone.

My stomach protests the awkward situation with a loud, rolling grumble that I can feel all the way into my spine, and without thinking I lay my arms over my stomach, cradling it. Quieting it.

Ichigo's face pulls into a grimace, and my heart flies into my throat, pounding and choking me when Ichigo lets go of my shoulder, his hand covering his mouth.

What did I do?

But then he's making strangled noises, like he can't keep his breath.

His face goes red and suddenly he's...

Laughing.

The sound washes through me like music, my soul vibrating along with it. Vivid pieces of memories come back to me all at once; frustration and admiration of this sound... anger and joy... relief.

All the memories of hearing Ichigo laughing, knowing everything was going to be okay...

And then I was laughing.

It's such a strange feeling, and it seems to come out of nowhere, but there's tears in the corners of our eyes and we don't stop laughing until we completely run out of breath. Then I'm gasping and he's snorting and I snicker and off we go again.

I have no idea how long we sat like that for, doing the impossible. I don't care, either. The foreign motions still feel like absolute heaven.

 _I had forgotten..._

 _How many other feelings have I lost...?_

Our laughs finally dwindle to quiet chuckles and air-starved gasps, and Ichigo swipes quickly at the sides of his eyes, scooting off the bed and extending a hand toward me with that broad smile of his. Somehow... Ichigo always had this talent. ... No matter how bad the situation, he'd find a way to make you smile, and that same smile was starting to tip the edges of my lips up.

"Come on, let's get something to eat. The others are probably wanting to know how you're doing anyway."

Only barely listening to his words, I twisted my body in ways I could have never imagined just a little while ago to get out of the bed, but there was still no pain.

 _Was I cured?_

 _Was I healed?_

 _How?_

Grasping his hand in mine, he heaved and I pushed myself off the bed.

 _Of course it was too good to be true._

I almost cried out when my vision warped, my legs buckling under my weight as my dizziness brings me straight back down. i hear Ichigo gasp and his arms are around me, keeping me from hitting the ground. Just like that, the giddy feeling that had surged through me before vanishes, and all that's left is frustration, and anger, and -

"What happened to me...!?"

 _... My voice._

I bite down on the inside of my cheek again, feeling my heartbeat pounding hard enough against my chest to move my entire body. I hadn't meant to say... anything, really. But then Ichigo's staring at me, his gaze shifting to a darker, guarded stare.

He lets me go, and I lean back against the side of my bed, afraid of being close to that gaze. All the joy had been sapped from those brown chambers, leaving them as cold and black as death itself. He sits down on the floor with me, sizing me up as it looks like he's thinking about his words.

 _This doesn't look good._

 _I don't want to remember._

 _But I'm a Quincy._

"There's a ... spirit after you, Uryuu. Do you not... remember?"

 _A spirit?_

 _My ears are ringing._

 _What... what **do** I remember?_

 _My vision wavers and my head feels like it's going to explode. It was always so dark, but..._

 _All I could ever make out was a silhouette._

 _I knew Ichigo could see him, from the way his eyes followed nothing in particular, but the voice... the voice was always there. Halfway across the room or breathing down my ear, the voice was low and rumbling, speaking slowly as he worked, as if he had all the time in the world._

 ** _"I searched through this life and the next, hoping, praying to find just one way to make things right again."_**

 _My entire body trembles._

 ** _"She wasn't supposed to be there, you know."_**

 _The days when he spoke of her were always much more difficult to get through._

 ** _"It was more of a tradition than a rite, but no little girl deserves to be murdered on their day to be wed."_**

 _I don't want to remember._

 ** _"In fact... she was your age, back then. Which makes this all the more sweeter."_**

 _Ichigo is the reason why he started gagging us when it wasn't our turn to play the game. He liked to talk, but it wasn't always easy to listen with the sickening ripping and squelching of skin being peeled off layer by layer._

 _Why am I here...?_

 ** _"A Shinigami and a Quincy..."_**

 _I don't want to remember..._

 ** _"Mortal enemies, and yet..."_**

 _It hurts...!_

 ** _"Yet you stand side by side in battle, while murdering the innocents of another clan that had nothing to do with your war!"_**

 _There are hands on my shoulders and my entire body tenses, waiting for more abuse, but when I crack my eyes open there is only_

Ichigo.

I lose sight of his face even though he's right in front of me; my own face feels numb and frozen and I'm shaking horribly as he helps me stand, letting me lean most of my weight on him. We're moving then, and he's talking to me, but his words seem as distant and out of reach to me as everything else we pass.

Then suddenly the floor gives way and there's stairs _._

 _... I don't remember stairs._

 _... Stairs hurt._

My legs don't want to work like they should, and countless times some part of me was tripped over, slammed into the wall or railing,and a few times I felt my entire body go limp. Ichigo had to stop us both from falling down those times, and when we finally reached the bottom, I was nearly in tears again.

 _I should be able to do something as simple as walk..._

 _... What's wrong with me?_

Once my feet are on solid ground again and there's not so much fear of falling over, I glance around again, hoping to make sense of where I'm at, but it's no use.

 _Nothing is familiar to me._

 _The hall is long with several door ways, and pictures and documents hang on the walls in a proud display, but I don't know any of the faces or names. I feel like they're important to me, somehow, but then Ichigo is leading me away from the incomplete puzzle, and blue and white walls give way to pure white walls as we enter another room._

 _Then there's a bunch of voices talking and shouting over each other, and suddenly there's a woman in my face._

 _I know in my gut that I know her, but I don't recognize her._

 _Then my ribs start cracking._

 _It hurts._

 _I gasp for breath and the sensation stops, but the blood is already pounding in my ears and I'm falling. The voices become louder, angry, and accusing._

 _I will never escape..._


	5. One Step Forward

_Ryuuken... Ishida._

 _My... father._

 _I remember._

 _He was sitting on a couch opposite Ichigo and myself, sitting next to... someone._

 _I feel incredibly mortified, but I don't remember why._

 _His eyes are so cold, even as he tells his story._

 _"She wasn't the first, and she wouldn't have been the last, either. There was no way of knowing at the time if she had blood on her hands or not."_

 _I was ashamed._

 _I understand._

 _"In the end, it really didn't matter which side of the war she was on. She was in my way."_

 _I understand... why Ryuuken has to die._

* * *

My eyes open and I'm outside now.

 _How did I get here?_

I'm sitting under a large tree, which shades me from the blinding light beyond. I can hear birds singing merrily away, unknowing of the harsh ways of the world, and every now and then I can hear water splashing as tiny fish break the surface of the small pond off to my right, in their search for food.

 _When did I make it outside?_

A sharp snore to my left startles me, and my panic gives way to relief as I catch sight of Ichigo sprawled out on his back next to me in the shade.

 _He looks so peaceful when he sleeps._

 _Or... he used to._

 _I think._

Now, his eyes are framed by dark circles and sunken in from lack of real sleep. There seems to be a permanent crease on his brow, which gives him a kind of unsettling grimace in the sunlight.

But then I remember...

 _He only snores when he's exhausted._

This means he is dead to the world.

I lean my head back against the bark of the tree, scanning the area again; the garden is closed in by a high, white fence, and the back of the house I'm staring at is as confusing as everything else. Do I know it? Do I not?

I glance up through the tiny gaps in the leaves above me, seeking out the pure blue amid everything. For once I finally feel truly empty; like the scene around me is real, but fake at the same time.

 _What is real, and what isn't?_

Looking back at Ichigo, my lips pull back into a grimace to match his own, and I find myself just staring at him, asking questions in my head that he would never be able to answer.

 _Why is this happening?_

 _Why us...?_

 _... I know why._

My head is aching again, and not even the pressure from the palms of my hands digging into the sides of my skull touches the pain, no matter how hard I push.

I'm gasping for breath again; I don't want to remember.

"Uryuu?"

My eyes snap back open but I'm still sitting in the shade of the tree, Ichigo at my side. I swallow quietly, bunching my muscles in preparation as I lift my gaze slowly upward, but then I'm looking at someone I feel like I should know, but I don't, and I don't understand why this is happening...!

Then he's coming closer, and my panic shifts gears but he's smiling and his words confuse me.

"May I sit?"

I... don't know how to answer. Even though he's asleep, I look to Ichigo for some kind of guidance, hoping that somehow, he could tell me what to do.

 _Yes?_

 _No?_

... All I hear are Ichigo's snores.

Carefully I glance at the standing male again, but he's stopped moving. He's just standing there, maybe ten or so feet away, unmoving, just... watching me.

Waiting.

I catch myself nibbling on the corner of my lip when it starts to hurt again and I wince. I still don't know what to say or do, or which answer is the right answer, but since I can't figure it out, I slowly nod my head at him, for one reason alone.

 _I'm sure I know this man. Somehow... someway... I know._

He sits down in front of me finally, smiling, and the first thing he does is look over at Ichigo. The look in his eyes change from carefully happy to melancholy, and silence stretches between us. I know I'm staring at him, but I'm so confused and frustrated that the words are out of my mouth before I can swallow them down.

"Who... are you?"

I wince and my body tenses and heart races as he turns his head finally and fixes me with a calm, calculating stare, but his head tilts slightly to the right as he seems to search for the right words to say.

 _He looks like a confused puppy._

 _I remember Ichigo does the same thing, too._

"I am Isshin,"

He's watching me as he speaks, like he's gauging my reaction.

"Isshin Kurosaki, Ichigo's father. ... Do you know where you are?"

 _Ichigo's... dad?_

I take another look around the serene landscape, but it's as foreign to me as... Isshin is. It's all... unfamiliar. Trying to fend off the prickling of tears at the edges of my vision, I manage to shake my head no, and Isshin draws in a long breath before letting it out slowly as a sigh.

 _Did I do something wrong again?_

"Well, at least that's an easy one to explain. You're home, Uryuu. You're safe again."

 _Safe..._

 _Home..._

"Do you remember two little girls at all?"

I can hear the hope in his voice, but his words vibrate in my ears and darkness swirls around me.

 _Two... little..._

 _girls._

* * *

 _ **I can hear their screams.**_

* * *

My heart is pounding so hard my chest hurts and I can't breathe again. I grasp at my shirt and tug it down, trying to relieve some of this unbearable pressure, but my brain is on fire and I can only grasp onto the fact I'm sitting on grass. I can hear Ichigo's snores and slowly they drown out the screams until I can no longer hear them and I'm sitting there panting, sweating, and then I look up into Isshin's confused stare.

We sit there for a second as I slowly calm down again, and I feel horrible because of the way it makes his face fall but I have to shake my head no again, because I don't remember.

 _I know I should._

 _I know somewhere, somehow... I do._

 _I just..._

 _Don't remember._

"That's okay."

His voice is quieter and he's still smiling but I'm a monster.

"You don't have to worry about it right now."

 _He looks so..._

 _Heartbroken._

"I was just... hoping you could tell me if the trip back would be... worth it."

There is such a suffocating sorrow in his voice that it leaves me breathless and my chest aches, but there is something about his words that continues to steal my breath away the more my mind mulls it over.

 _Something dangerous._

 _What is it...?_

I see his smile widen a little like the conversation is over and he moves like he's trying to stand up and suddenly my body is moving on its own. I'm stumbling forward on my knees, clawing at his shirt with dirt caked hands. This fear, this... panic. It slices through my core and I don't know why but I can't let whatever this is go.

"Worth... what?"

 _It doesn't hurt to speak anymore._

 _It's just... uncomfortable and strange._

Isshin stares down at me for several long seconds and suddenly I'm extremely self conscious; I feel awkward and wonder if I should let go, and then I wonder if he's staring at me like that because I've angered him, and that thought freezes my entire body and I begin trembling.

I swallow past the painful lump in my throat, but as soon as I try to let go of him, his hands are covering mine and I jerk backward but his hold is gentle and light. He sighs and his face is carefully blank but there's a storm broiling behind his eyes.

 _I am afraid._

I watch him look over to where Ichigo is sprawled out, his snores keeping the silence between us from being deafening, and I realize he's not really looking at Ichigo.

He's just refusing to look at _me_.

"We risked almost everything to go in there after you, without knowing if... something had happened."

He choked the last words out, like it took every bit of energy he had to say it, and even past the careful mask he was trying to keep on, I can see visible pain in his gaze.

 _Something... horrible happened._

"We managed to find you, but... we still don't know where Karin is, and I can't leave her in that wretched place alone any longer than she's already been there for. ... Neither can Ichigo."

I don't know when exactly it felt like time had stopped, but it does, and what once looked like a serene garden now looks like an eerie backdrop for the stage of my worst nightmares, waiting to reveal my darkest secrets to the world.

 _I'm terrified._

 _Karin..._

The name brings more screams to my ears and I don't want to remember but...

Ichigo...

 _He doesn't know what lies within the darkness._

The thought is all I can latch onto, because there's something dangerous and horrible in my memories, and Ichigo doesn't know.

 _If I remember why he shouldn't go back..._

 _Maybe he won't._

I'm clutching desperately at Isshin's leg and my heart is in my ears and all I can see is jagged, blurry colors but my fear pushes me forward.

 _I don't want to remember._

He's watching me with wide eyes and I hear movement from somewhere around me but I'm too focused to pay attention to it, even when Isshin's gaze shifts elsewhere.

 _I have to let him know._

 _Ichigo doesn't know what the darkness holds._

I can't breathe but my throat is raw.

 _I know what the darkness is._

 _I can't put him through that again._

 _I'll remember._

The world spins and my ears ring and I know I'm opening a Pandora's Box but I can't let him go.

 _I'll remember._

He saved me by going back into that hell.

"I'll... remember."

My voice is shaking and small, but I hear it, and I know Isshin did too.

 _I can't risk his life again._

.

.

.

I'll remember.


	6. Three Steps Back

"You'll remember what, exactly?"

The voice behind me is cold and startling and I gasp but Isshin is still holding onto my hands, gently stroking my knuckles and for some reason, it makes me feel slightly better.

Slightly.

"Easy, Ryuu, he's been -"

"Don't call me that."

"At least show a little sympathy toward your son!"

 _Oh._

 _Ryuuken... Ishida._

Their conversation continues without me, but I can hardly hear them anyway with the blood pounding in my ears.

 _Remember..._

 _I have to remember..._

 _The darkness..._

 _It's everywhere._

 _The crawling... the pain..._

 _"... someone... ...anyone... ...help..."_

 _The voice is so small, I can barely hear it, but I can feel the tears on my cheeks and the shattering in my chest._

 _I try to move toward the voice, but every bone in my body is on fire and the chains are too restricting._

 _Footsteps._

 _Bones cracking._

 _My heart is racing now, and I'm trembling horribly._

"Snap out of it!"

 _Something lands next to me with a squelch, and I know I don't want to look, I know I can't look, but I have to, and my head is turning._

 _Blood._

 _Blank, un-seeing eyes are staring at me out of a little girl's face, widened in pain and fear._

 _Your Fault._

 _I can hear him laughing, but the voice is distorted._

 ** _Your Fault._**

 _I know why it's distorted._

 _I'm sorry..._

 ** _Your Fault._**

"Uryuu!"

 _I'm next._

 _I'm screaming and I can't stop. My throat and eyes are burning but I can't stop. My head whips back and forth along with my body and my hands move on their own to push away the monster but both of my wrists are captured and I'm flung onto my back._

 _There's several faces in my line of sight now, every single one of them being Yuzu's broken, accusing stare, and I can't take it._

 _I squeeze my eyes shut, desperately trying to drown out the high pitched screams and wails from the darkness, my body flailing in every direction it can, even though I know there's no point._

 _There was never a point._

 _It's all my fault..._

"- come back to me, Uryuu..."

 _... Ichigo...?_

I swallow roughly, wincing as the motion sears past my throat before dropping like lead into the pit of my stomach.

Carefully I crack one eye open, knowing how dangerous it is to hope.

I don't want to hope.

 _I'll never escape._

But it's Ichigo looming over me, taking my face in his hands and forcing me to meet his steady gaze.

I let loose the breath I wasn't aware I was holding, and now I'm gasping, trying to regain any kind of air in my lungs.

 _Ichigo..._

"Uryuu, it's alright. I'm here."

My vision goes blurry but I think I see him smile a little as my body starts to relax. My breathing is still heavy, but the sound of blood rushing through my ears is easing, and I'm starting to make out the two other faces behind Ichigo.

Isshin... and... Ryuuken.

I'm still... outside.

But I was...

Wasn't I...?

My confusion and frustration must have been written on my face, because now Ichigo is pulling me off the grass and shushing me, smoothing a hand over my hair and clothes, sweeping off wayward blades of green.

There's a sharp sigh above me and when I look, Ryuuken is running a hand through his own hair, staring at the sky.

So he doesn't have to look at me.

 _... I wouldn't look at me either._

"I trust you'll look after them while I'm away."

"Always." Isshin answers quietly.

Then Ryuuken is walking away and I can't help the feeling of relief that he's finally gone. My body is rocking and there's strange sounds coming out of my mouth, and it takes me a few seconds to realize just how hard I'm sobbing, but Ichigo squashes me against his chest and I can feel my own chest breaking into millions of shards.

Somehow I know Isshin is talking to me, or to the both of us, but his words make no sense to me.

Why do I feel so... lost?

What's wrong with me?!

Why am I acting like this...?!

But then Ichigo's face is in front of mine again; I feel his hands on my shoulders and we're an arm's length apart and he's smiling at me like I'm not some kind of trembling, weeping mess.

"Let's go inside, Uryuu."

 _... How can you look at me?_

Ichigo helps me stand even before I can say anything, throwing my arm over his shoulders and supporting me the entire ten steps to the back door.

 _... How can you stand to be around me...?_

The door opens and we walk into a kitchen. Ichigo sets me down in a chair at the table and I lose sight of Isshin as Ichigo sits down next to me.

 _... Right... Ichigo doesn't know._

Ichigo takes one of my hands in his, smoothing over my knuckles with his thumb and I can feel the churning in my mind begin to slow.

 _I... remember. Ichigo always did this for me. When I would wake from a nightmare... when I would have a flashback... ... when the chains were too tight, and our hands were the only parts we could reach..._

I look down at our hands, watching the slow glide of his thumb over each one of my knuckles, tracing the same pattern with my eyes. Sometimes... it was the only thing that let me know we were going to be okay. To know someone was there with me... to help me...

"I know!"

Ichigo's voice startles me, and I jump, my eyes flying to his face, but he seems as surprised as I am before he starts laughing and gently lets go of my hand.

"Sorry, sorry, didn't mean to scare you. But I've got an idea!"

He jumps from his seat before I can force my tongue to move, and then he's gone. I turn in my chair, but my movements are still uncoordinated and my body is unwilling to respond correctly, and I barely catch myself from tipping over the chair and falling.

... And then, just like last time...

I'm alone.

I can still feel the lingering but fading warmth on my hand where Ichigo's thumb had been, but I feel like I'm melting into the ground. Fresh, hot tears wet my cheeks but all I can do is stare at my empty hand.

 _Ichigo..._

 _I have to remember why he shouldn't go back..._

 _... But if I remember..._

I hear footsteps behind me and I'm out of the chair, stumbling and tripping over the chair and table. I stagger, trying to force my legs to work, to move, to RUN, but then strong hands grip my shoulders and steady me, and Ichigo's face is in front of mine again.

He looks worried as he tries to pull me over to the table again, but my chest tightens and aches because if he knew what I had done...

"Uryuu, hey..."

My eyes snap back toward his face, but my vision's all blurry again and my frustration snaps. I accidentally smack my face a couple times with my knuckles trying to quickly wipe away the tears, but each one I wipe away becomes three more and I don't understand why I can't stop crying.

 _I just don't understand anything anymore..._

"Easy now... it's alright... Hey, look at this."

 _I don't want to._

My hands give up trying to correct the damage and instead press over my eyes to hide them, but Ichigo pulls my hands out of the way and I can't help but look at him.

 _... Stop being nice to me..._

 _... Why can't you see...?_

He's gesturing to the table, where a small satchel now lay, unlocked and barely open. I stare at it blindly for several seconds, but it takes Ichigo encouraging me before I can make my shaky hands move toward it.

. _.. You don't understand either..._

I open the bag and reach in, pulling out a box full of brightly colored string on spools, sorted by various shades of color, with a pin cushion of pins and needles and a thimble in their own little compartment of the box. It all looks so neat, and organized, and...

...

"What... is... all this...?"

Ichigo's bright smile falls a bit, and I bite down on my lip. I've disappointed him again.

And I'll do it again, and again, and again, and-

 _ **Your Fault.**_

"Well," Ichigo starts, and his smile is back but it's too fake and it doesn't fool me. "There for a while, sewing kinda helped you focus your mind a little. Gave you something to think about other than... well. Things you didn't want to think about. I just thought..."

The fake smile had already faded, but the words made sense. I look back at the thread, then look down at my hands, wondering if it was true.

 _Do I really know how to sew?_

"You don't have to."

His words sound clipped, like he thinks I'm going to reject his idea, though I honestly don't think I even remember what to do with the kit from here.

"We can find something else to do. How about movies? Or manga? I've got a new-"

"Ichigo..."

My voice stops us both cold. I know he's waiting on me to continue, but suddenly my tongue is frozen.

 ** _Your Fault._**

It's hard to breathe again, and my hands are shaking, but I'm too weak.

 _... I can't._

I reach for the box of thread, and clumsily click it open.

 _... I can still see her eyes._

"Oh! Right, I'll see if I can find something you can patch up!"

He sounds so excited, I can't even bring myself to look at him.

* * *

 _ **Your Fault.**_

* * *

I hear him launch out of his chair again, but this time I barely even notice he's gone.

 _... I can't do it._

.

.

.

 _Because if I remember why Ichigo shouldn't go back..._

.

.

.

 _Then I'll remember why Ichigo hates me..._

 _Selfish._

 ** _Weak._**

 _Your Fault._

 _Burden._

 ** _Your Fault._**

 ** _Monster._**

.

.

.

 _... I can't..._


End file.
